Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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