I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
