I never want to see another naked old woman again.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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