just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
