Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
