Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
