i wish my penis had a tongue
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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