Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
