Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
