Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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