my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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