you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
