He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
