So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
