Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
