So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
