And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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