$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
