with your own penis?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
