im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
