the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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