ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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