My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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