The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
