im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We named our party play list daddy issues
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
