If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
