So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
