Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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