Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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