Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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