I got chris browned last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize