My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
