If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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