ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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