I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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