im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
