I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize