btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
