Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
