Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
