Do you still have your period?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
