I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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