why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
