I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
