I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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