3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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