You can't motorboat a personality
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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