I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
