i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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