you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
