I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
