I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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