capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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