I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When did angry sex become our thing?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
