At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
