I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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