my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
