Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
