OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
