I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
