Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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