i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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