"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
