you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
