I love black thongs
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
