I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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