Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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